So I figured after eight months of a year abroad specifically designed to improve my fluency in French, I should probably talk about where I feel my language is at now. I think about language a lot of the time, and pretty much every time I speak French I end up analysing what was said, either consciously or unconsciously. Each conversation has the power to make or break my day: coming out of a situation where I understood everything and was able to respond as I wanted to literally makes my whole week, but those bad experiences where my head's not in it and I misunderstand or end up stuttering over my words and it all falls apart are just the worst. It's kind of taken over my life if I'm honest, and it's hard to sum up all the language related trials and tribulations in just one blog post!
Having said that I feel like I've improved so much over this year, just from the sheer amount of French I've spoken, and the lack of any other option most of the time! So here are a few little thoughts and observations I've had recently about living daily life in a second language...
Firstly, it's worth saying that more often than not I come away from any sort of in-depth conversation (as in anything more than ordering in a restaurant or a 2 minute chat with someone) with a distinct sense of frustration at myself for not being better. I know my expectations of myself are too high, and that realistically I'm never going to be as good as native speakers, but I've always put a lot of emphasis on communication (I talk literally all the time: if left to my own devices I will just narrate my thoughts in a sort of stream of consciousness way until someone stops me), and not being able to say what I want to in the way I want to frustrates me like nothing else. Although this is annoying to say the least, if I can relax a bit and accept that I will make mistakes and sometimes have to muddle through it can be a really good thing, as it pushes me to keep talking and contributing, and to always try and clarify what I want to say as best I can. Although I'm never really in a situation where I can't think of a single way to communicate what I want to, I often find myself saying a less than I would in English, or saying it in a less precise way because I can't find the right word or idiom.
But when I step back and look at it, I have to admit that I generally feel very comfortable conversing in French now, as I know I can always understand the majority of what anyone says to me, and often even the little nuances too. French doesn't feel as much like a 'foreign' language to me any more, in the same way that France doesn't feel like a 'foreign' country, and most of the time when I'm out and about interacting with people I'm thinking in the language, and not translating in my head: the words have an inherent meaning now, and sometimes I even find myself translating phrases I hear a lot in French back in to English! I can't explain why, but some phrases pop in to my head in French before they do in English even when I'm thinking in English, completely randomly, and make my English sound a bit disjointed when I find myself translating literally from French!
I know this may make it sound like I'm totally bilingual and never have any problems speaking French, but that really couldn't be further from the truth, especially in intense, native-level conversations. There is nothing more demoralising than seeing that confused look on someone's face because you've said something completely wrong, or someone in a restaurant replying to you in English, or contributing to a conversation with a joke that doesn't quite work or a sentence that's too literal or doesn't translate properly and totally ruining the flow. I'm a real storyteller (nothing gives me more joy than telling a really great story and everyone laughing...genuinely, it's a problem) and sarcasm and humour are a huge part of who I am, so not being able to communicate these things properly really makes me feel like part of my identity is being, quite literally, lost in translation.
But occasionally, I'll have a conversation where I don't stutter, where I answer people's questions appropriately and without hesitation, or I tell a story or a joke and people actually laugh, and I walk away feeling so much more like myself. And also kind of like a superhero. These little breakthroughs, like when I led kids at church and was able to respond to their questions quickly and normally, or when I re-listened to a song and understood all the words when before I had really struggled, or in my church small group when people treat me the same way as everyone else (as in they don't slow down particularly or treat my responses differently to anyone else's), make all the struggles worthwhile. And remind me not to be so hard on myself!
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